Oh, it's what you do to me
by VintageCrayons
Summary: (AU) Blaine singing 'Hey There Delilah' in Glee club when he's missing Kurt. Flashbacks of events in Blaine's life, leading up to present day. Trigger Warnings: Child Abuse, Slight Swearing and Depression.


Blaine sighed and sat in the back of the classroom as glee club started. Kurt had been gone for three and a half months and the bitter pang of loneliness had finally settled in, becoming much more than the dull ache that Blaine had been able to ignore for the past however many days.

He'd managed to distract himself by trying to keep as busy as possible, even going as far to ask for extra homework from each and every one of his subjects. Most of his clubs had temporarily gone on hiatus, meaning that he had a lot more free time to spend doing whatever he wanted.

But what he really wanted to be doing was over five hundred miles away. All he wanted to do was cuddle up with his boyfriend and watch reruns of lame movies they'd seen a thousand times. He'd give anything to watch Moulin Rouge with him again, singing along with Christian's songs, whilst Kurt did Satine's.

That was another thing Blaine missed. Kurt's voice.

The sound of Kurt gently lulling him, coaxing him down into a relaxed mind set whenever he was nervous, or stressed, or just upset.

But now... there was nobody. Nobody to tell him that everything was going to be alright, and that they were both strong enough to make it through this, and they'd come out stronger because of it.

But how was he supposed to face the next year alone?

That had always been one of Blaine's biggest fears. Being alone. The dreaded misery from the feeling of sinking into nothingness constantly surrounding him and making him feel even worse than he did before. He desperately needed something to keep him grounded, keep him sane whilst Kurt was gone, and Glee club didn't seem to be helping.

"Mr. Schue," Blaine cut his thought process off before he could get any further, refusing to cry in front of any of his friends. "I'd like to sing something."

He was then told he could perform, and he already knew what song he was going to sing.

Blaine walked over towards the band and whispered to them his song choice, most of them nodding in approval and giving Blaine a small smile that was half way between pitiful and sympathetic.

He didn't want their pity.

He walked back over towards the centre of the room and curled his hands into fists, drawing in a few deep breaths and composing himself before nodding, the music starting to play.

The blissful sound of the instruments filled the silence that had fallen in the choir room and Blaine waited until the cue before starting to sing.

_Hey there Delilah, what's it like in New York City?  
I'm a thousand miles away, but girl, tonight you look so pretty,  
Yes you do, Times Square can't shine as bright as you,  
I swear it's true._

Singing had always made Blaine feel better, no matter what the situation. He'd sung his way through his parents' divorce (which of course, he blamed himself for), finding comfort in the music and the lyrics. He'd sung his way through the pain when Cooper left them in favour of becoming a 'Hollywood hotshot' as his big brother put it.

He'd always blamed himself when Cooper left. Blaine thought that he was the one to push his big brother away, thought maybe he didn't love him enough and that's why he didn't stay. Obviously, Cooper tried to reassure Blaine that it was not true, but with his father's drunken words swirling around in his mind, how was he to think any different?

That was another thing Blaine had blamed himself for. The abuse from his father. It had all started after his mother left them. His father would scream at him that it was all his fault that his mother left, that he pushed her into leaving because he was always complaining.

"Is it because I asked for another cookie in my lunch box?" Blaine would ask, his voice trembling as he tried to fight back the tears. "Or was the birthday card I made her not good enough? I'm sorry Daddy I'll try harder next time," he would whimper, glancing up at his father as he sipped at his beer. But no matter how hard he tried, his words would always get shot down, replaced with drunken yells and words that no eight year old boy should fall victim to.

So he would run straight up to Cooper's room and curl up with his big brother, who reassured him that it was okay for big boys to cry. Big boys didn't always have to be strong. And that was when he broke down.

The day Cooper left was the day Blaine first cried himself to sleep… alone.

_Hey there Delilah__, __don't you worry about the distance,__  
__I'm right there if you get lonely__, __give this song another listen,__  
__Close your eyes.__  
__Listen to my voice, it's my disguise,__  
__I'm by your side._

Blaine never saw his mom again after the day she came back to collect her things from the divorce. Blaine sat on the bed as he watched his mother pack up her clothes in an old, battered suitcase that had been used on several of their family vacations.

She would try to reassure the broken shell of her son as she zipped up her now full case, leaning down on her knees in front of her baby.

"You know I'll always love you baby," She would whisper, brushing her son's curls away from his forehead and pressing a kiss to the olive skin there.

"Are you really leaving because of me?" Blaine whimpered back, fumbling about with his hands and swinging his legs as the dangled off of the bed. "Papa says it's because I didn't love you enough, and because I was always complaining. Please don't go mama, I promise I'll never ask for another cookie again! You can have all of my cookies but please don't leave me here. I don't like it when you're not around."

The woman would smile sadly, fighting back the tears swelling in her eyes and blurring her vision. She blinked them back, wanting to remember this moment for as long as she could, because God only knew when she was going to have another one like it. "No Blainey, it's not because of the cookies," she would say, forcing a chuckle from her red tinted lips. "And don't listen to what Papa has to say. You'll always be my brave little boy, but sometimes… Mommy's and Daddy's stop loving each other. And try as they might, they just can't get that love back, so it's better for them to be apart and be happy, than be together and be unhappy," she explained, dragging out their time together for as long as possible.

"You want Mommy and Daddy to be happy right? You want to be happy, and you want Cooper to be happy?" Blaine's mom would ask, keeping a firm grip on her little boy's hand.

Blaine nodded.

"Then you have to let go, sweetie. Tell you what, whenever you're sad, or lonely, or upset, you just look up at the sky. It doesn't matter what time of day it is, you just look up and you think of me, and remember that even though we're not going to be together, I'll still love you with all of my heart. You remember that we both live under the same sky and I'll never be that far away from you. I'll always be with you… Right inside, here…" She used to explain, pressing her hand over Blaine's heart on his chest.

Blaine would just sniffle and nod his head, leaping forwards and wrapping his arms around his mom's neck. "I have to be brave," he would whisper. "I love you so much mom. I can't let you down and I can't let papa down. Promise me something, ma… never forget me."

"I'll never forget you baby. And I love you too… So much. Now, you have to promise me that you'll never become like your father. You won't ever hurt anybody the way he hurt us okay? Promise me that."

Blaine nodded. "I promise."

Blaine never saw his mom again after that night. And he could never find it within him to look up at the sky the same way again.

_Oh it's what you do to me,__  
__Oh it's what you do to me,__  
__Oh it's what you do to me,__  
__Oh it's what you do to me,__  
__What you do to me._

Blaine had given up hope on ever finding love the day before Kurt came into his life.

Even through the embarrassing oblivious period that Blaine stumbled his way through, Kurt made his life so much better by just being there. By just knowing he had somebody to talk to about his problems without the fear of judgement. By just knowing that he had a shoulder to cry on.

Even through all the shit that Kurt had gone through, he still came out stronger for it. Blaine envied him for that.

He wished he could come out stronger, but with every put down received by his father, and every sly remark Cooper would make from time to time would just crush his spirit that little bit more.

Sometimes he wondered about his mom.

Where she was, who she was with, and whether or not she remembered her promise and never forget her son. Was she missing him as much as he missed her?

Kurt had promised him that they would find her together, if he still wanted that after he graduated. And god, did Blaine want that. He wanted to be loved the way a parent should love their son, through cuddles and sweet words instead of put downs and beatings.

Kurt made him a better person, maybe even a stronger person.

And slowly but surely, he started looking up at the sky again.

_Hey there Delilah,__  
__I know times are getting hard,__  
__But just believe me girl, someday I'll pay the bills with this guitar,__  
__ We'll have it good__, __We'll have the life we knew we would,__  
__My word is good._

Kurt and Blaine spent most of their time planning their future together. They'd spend their lives in New York so Kurt could fulfil out his dreams of becoming a Broadway star, and Blaine could fulfil his own in the city. The fact that there would be a five hundred mile distance between him and his father was just a bonus. Then, when they were old enough they would retire together. Move to a small cottage somewhere in the middle of nowhere, living out the last couple of years of their lives together, side by side. Kurt and Blaine. Just as it should be.

Blaine's home life only seemed to get increasingly worse as the days went by, and since Kurt had gone to New York, Blaine now had nobody to talk to… to rely on… no shoulder to cry on. So, he was stuck at home, spending more time there than he would have liked to. And that just opened up even more windows of opportunity for his Dad to take out his drunken rages on his son and Blaine would do nothing but sit and take it.

What else was there to do? Speak out and risk another black eye. It was hard enough covering the last one, even Brittany hadn't believed him when he said he'd walked into a door. Kurt had once again, covered for him, saying he was there when it happened and in that moment, Blaine had never been more thankful towards his lover.

So, he sucked it up. For the sake of his sanity, he shoved all the harsh words to the back of his mind, comforted by the knowledge that Kurt would never leave him. That Kurt would always be there for him, not matter how many times he was called a 'fag' or 'worthless' by his father. Kurt would always be there to make it better.

But Kurt wasn't there anymore.

_Hey there Delilah,__  
__I've got so much left to say,__  
__If every simple song I wrote to you__ w__ould take your breath away__  
__I'd write it all__, __Even more in love with me you'd fall,__  
__We'd have it all._

Blaine did have so much to say.

But nobody seemed to be listening. Not even Kurt, who had promised that he'd always be there for him. Kurt, who had promised to always hold him when he was upset, but it was pretty difficult to hold someone through a computer, especially when that person was always too busy to have a proper conversation that didn't end in how awesome New York was, or how hard his jobs was.

There were some things that Blaine just needed to hear. He needed to hear the love in his boyfriend's voice, not the rushed tone he was so used to hearing these days. The sneaked two minute phone calls that ended far too quickly for the conversation to even progress anywhere. Whispered _'I love yous' _and sweet nothings were long gone, replaced with rushed hello's and even more rushed goodbye's.

Kurt would always hang up before he said I love you, before Blaine got the chance to say it to him.

Blaine felt stupid for needing something so trivial to make him feel whole again. Three words, that's all it was. Three words that had been spat out trampled on and used over and over again to manipulate people into doing things their way. Three words that used to be so sacred, but were now anything but.

Perhaps he needed it because of his father's abusive session a week prior. Where he'd screamed at his son that nobody would ever love him, not after he destroyed his Dad and Mom's relationship, and, '_why would anybody love a fag like you anyway? That Kurt boy has probably already found himself a better fuck anyway. Someone who won't cling to him like a needy little bitch. He doesn't love you, Blaine. Love is for fools and idiots.'_

That broke him.

Slowly but surely, Blaine Anderson was dying inside.

_A thousand miles seems pretty far__, __but they've got planes and trains and cars,__  
__I'd walk to you if I had no other way.__  
__Our friends would all make fun of us, __  
__and we'll just laugh along because we know__that none of them have felt this way.__  
__Delilah I can promise you, __  
__that by the time we get through,__the world will never ever, be the same.__  
__And you're to blame._

Blaine was lonely. Blaine was so fucking lonely. And nobody seemed to notice… Either that or nobody seemed to care. He was hoping it would be the previous… the latter would be too painful to even begin to come to terms with.

Blaine and Kurt hadn't Skyped in days; they'd barely even had a conversation. Kurt had been claiming he was too busy with his new internship at Vogue. And Blaine tried to be happy for him, he really did. But he just couldn't muster it up inside of himself to be happy for something that was destroying him from the inside out.

He'd barely eaten in three days, and still nobody seemed to notice. He'd heard a passing cheerleader comment on his sudden weight loss and he felt bad that a stranger could notice when nobody else would.

He felt nothing anymore. No hope, no pain, nothing. He was just… numb. How else could you hurt a person that had been hurt so many times before?

Blaine was lonely. All he wanted was a little companionship, and he seemed to seek that wherever he could get it. He ended up visiting Lima's only gay bar once a week, using the fake I.D he still had from the last… incident.

He'd never do anything with anybody in the club. It was just a nice feeling to get some positive attention for once. Slowly, more drinks were piled up in front of him and he knocked them back, feeling the alcohol start to mess with his head.

And there he was.

Right across the other side of the dance floor, was a rather attractive looking man, at least six or seven years older than Blaine himself. He stood up and crossed over towards the man, who instantly tugged him closer until they were inches apart, lips ghosting one another's.

And then they kissed.

Everything was a blur after then. A mixture of alcohol and the taste of lips that were so alien to him and so different from Kurt's sweet-cinnamon like taste. The next thing he knew, he was getting pushed down in the back seat of the guy's car, full on making out now.

Images of Kurt flashed through his mind and he pushed the older guy away from him, his face going pale white as he realized…

His worst nightmares were coming true… he was acting just as his father had. And that terrified him.

He tried to pass the blame to somebody else, hoping that he would feel a little bit better about himself. He tried shrugging it off as Kurt being distant. But passing the blame onto his lover only made things worse.

Kurt wasn't to blame.

He was.

Blaine was the one who convinced Kurt to go to New York in the first place. And he did it out of love. Blaine wouldn't change a thing, even if he could do it over again.

Because in the end, Kurt deserved better than a fuck up.

_Hey there Delilah,__  
__You be good and don't you miss me,__  
__Two more years and you'll be done with school, __  
__And I'll be making history like I do,__  
__You'll know it's all because of you,__  
__We can do whatever we want to,__  
__Hey there Delilah here's to you,__  
__This one's for you._

Everything Blaine did would always be for Kurt.

Everything about the person he became would always be for the person who made him strong enough to look up to the sky, and see his mother. To see the light at the end of the tunnel in every possible situation. Kurt had always been his light, and now there was just darkness, and he was falling deeper and deeper into nothingness.

He'd broken the promise that he made to his mother all those years ago, and he wondered how (if they ever met again) he could ever look her in the eye. He'd broken the one thing he'd promised he wouldn't do.

He hurt someone like his father hurt them.

He hurt Kurt.

The one person he wasn't supposed to hurt.

And slowly, as Blaine lay awake at night, unable to sleep with himself, the plans that he and Kurt made for their future slowly became nothing more than fantasies as he realized Kurt may never want to see him again. Or even talk to him. And that hurt more than anything his father had ever said to him.

_Oh it's what you do to me,__  
__Oh it's what you do to me,__  
__Oh it's what you do to me,__  
__Oh it's what you do to me,__  
__What you do to me._

Blaine was crying by the end of the song, tear tracks staining his face as reality hit him. He glanced around the choir room, taking in the expression of his friends faces.

Most were looking away from him, seemingly not wanting to be involved in his problems, given his track history. The rumour had spread about Blaine cheating on Kurt with an older guy, and as much as Blaine regretted his actions, there was nothing he could do about it.

No amount of apologizing could take it back.

And so, he lost Kurt. He lost Disney movies, and cuddles. Hot chocolate and hope. But most of all, that day… Blaine Anderson lost his best friend and the only person who would ever love him for the real him.

So, he bore his punishment in humble silence, no longer thinking '_why does this happen to me' _but more along the lines of _'I deserve this.'_

Blaine Anderson was tired of getting shot down.

Blaine Anderson was tired of feeling weak.

Blaine Anderson was just tired.

Blaine was done.


End file.
